Baa #20

Water Nymph:
*referring to a scene on television where the actress is being turned on by something peculiar*

That is just wrong. So wrong. It's like getting turned on by watching someone eat an orange.

-end-

Baa #19

Best business pitch. Ever.

Someone:
Are you tired of having to remember all your complicated passwords and account numbers? Wouldn't you rather use that space in your brain for something more fun, let's say, a monkey joke involving donkeys?
Look no further!
Our company will help you remember all those boring, hard-to-recall, donkey+monkey lacking information so you don't have to!
And the best part?

It's a complete FREE service!

All you have to do to be part of this revolutionary, exciting service - is forward us all your CREDIT CARD and BANK ACCOUNT numbers with their respective passwords, and we will take good care of them so you can reassuringly forget all about them!

Gone are the days you have to stress yourself out remembering all these details!
What are you waiting for? Sign up now!

-end-

Baa #18

You know it's somewhat thought-provoking when you drive by and you see:

" SONG SPECIALIST HEART CLINIC"

Makes you think, what exactly this 'clinic' does.

-end-

Baa #17

Bald Monk on his working environment -

Bald Monk:
Some clients i go to have a large, dedicated department that is solely for IT purposes.
In fact, i have seen a HQ building with an entire floor devoted to the IT department.

That on the other hand,

This particular client of mine's entire IT department consists of a single person.
A lone person, that has little to no basic knowledge of a PC, is assigned to be the IT department.

And i have to deal with her.

-end-

Baa #16

Due to the sensitive and probably controversial nature, although very much true, of what the Bald Monk told me one day - here's a different joke from him.

Bald Monk:
Beep! Beep! I'm a Jeep!

-end-

Baa #15

-A joke i overheard-

A little girl brings along her pet kitten to class one day.
Curious, her teacher approaches the little girl, and asks

Teacher:
Why did you bring your little friend to class today?

Girl:
I heard my dad said that he would do something horrible to kitty!
That's why i brought her with me today.

Teacher:
Oh dear. Now what did he say he would do?

Girl:
I heard daddy tell mommy that: "I'm gonna eat that pussy!"

-end-

Baa #14

Me:
I'll be switching our ISP from Broadband to Cable in a couple of days.
It'll be awesome!

Snowflower:
That's cool.
But wait, what about your Facebook and MSN accounts?
Do you have to make a backup, or re-create them from scratch?

-end-

Baa #13

Bald Monk:
When you mention the board game "RISK", there will be two types of people - each with their own reaction.

The first type:
"RISK"? I've only heard about it, and have never played it before. Sounds awesome.
Shall we try it out one day?

The second type:
"RISK"? "RISK"?! The insanely rubbish boardgame that takes forever to finish and is a constant challenge to bore yourself to death?
"RISK"!?! EARGHH!!!

-end-

Baa #12

In vein of explaining how things work...

Me:
Every wonder how does companies make packaged shelled nuts?
I mean, when you open a pack of honey-roasted hazelnuts or peanuts without the shell, wonder how they do it?

Simple!

Firstly, the nuts are put into a machine where huge hammers bash away at them, cracking the hard shells.
Then, special nut magnets are used to suck the nuts away from the battered shells.
Of course, different magnets are used for different nuts - you have sunflower seed magnets for sunflower seeds, walnut magnets for walnuts and peanut magnets for peanuts!

And all they have to do, is collect the nuts from the magnets and package them!

-end-

Baa #11

Jo-kun:
Do you know the principle in quantum theory know as Schrodinger's Cat?

In short, the theory dictates that a cat is placed inside a box with a radioactive substance, which might or might not decay.
If the substance decays, the cat would die a horrible death.
If the substance does not, the cat would be horribly bored.

Because of the cat being in the box, we cannot know if the cat is DEAD or BORED. According to quantum physics, the cat is both alive and dead at the same time, in a superposition of states.

It is only when an we open the box, the superposition is lost - and the cat becomes either DEAD or BORED. As such, the outcome (from many different outcomes) can only exist when an observation is made.

...

That is exactly what Magic booster packs are. COCK or JACE.

-end-

Baa #10

Everyone is talented at something.
Some talents are, unfortunately, better than others.

Will:
This guy always eats so cleanly, not even leaving a speck of food behind.
Heck he even licks the plate spotless after he finishes!

Julian:
You know what? That guy could be a really good serial killer.
He kills and disposes of the body by eating it.
So clean that he eats all traces of the body, bones and all.
And when the cops come, he can shrug and say:" What murder? There's no body, no evidence!"

-end-

Baa #9

The Auditor:
You do not ever compare an auditor's workload with a banker.
You do not ever compare an auditor's work hours with a banker.

Ever.

We eat 12 hour workdays for breakfast every morning!

You know what?
The only one class which can compare with an auditor is probably a construction worker.

-end-

Baa #8

Ri:
I just tried Foie gras, and i don't like it one bit.

Me:
Why is that?

Ri:
It tastes horrible!
Tastes like liver!

Me:
But Foie gras IS liver (of a duck)..

-end-

Baa #7

Bald Monk:
Captain Planet supposedly takes pollution down to zero right?
So i assume if they made an episode about last year's BHP Oil Spill crisis, it would be Captain Planet randomly assaulting people at petrol stations and setting fire to BHP Headquarters?

Me:
That would still make more sense than wrestling entertainment story-lines.

-end-

Baa #6

The Ben & Ashley Incident

In conjunction with a National Day holiday, we decided to hit a karaoke joint for some vocal exercise.
On the day itself, the plan was thwarted because Pekkie was exhausted from chasing chikens all night and refused to leave the bed.

Thus, the Bald Monk, the Auditor, the Banker and me collectively decided over lunch to catch a movie that was starting within the hour. (It was The Expendables) Deciding to travel in two cars, we would meet up at the cinema. With me and the Banker in one car, we headed towards Tropicana Mall's cinema. Traffic was abysmal at best. Surprisingly, while we were stuck in traffic, the Auditor called us and said he was already at the cinema, buying tickets and that he movie was starting soon. Seeing no quick way of us escaping the quagmire of cars, the Auditor left our tickets at the usher's booth and started the movie together with the Bald Monk.

By the time we arrived at Tropicana Mall, it was 30 minutes since the movie started. Dashing to the usher's booth, we asked for our tickets which the usher promptly handed over. On the tickets, one had the name "BEN" and the other had the name "ASHLEY" written on em. In my haste, i dismissed it as the Auditor being as an ass.

Ass

We ran to cinema hall 3, burst through the doors and began looking for our seats. It did not occur to me why the Banker stood motionless looking at the screen instead of scampering for a seat, until i myself took to seeing what caught his eye. We were to watch "The Expendables" - a testosterone fest of muscle, gore, guns and balding men. The screen was showing questionably aligned men, wearing even more questionable clothes dancing to music with a beat. DANCING!

THAT CLEARLY IS NOT THE EXPENDABLES.

We rushed out of the hall, checked our "Ben & Ashley" tickets, which had the words: "Step Up 3D" printed on them. The Auditor wasn't being an ass after all. A dash back to the usher's booth revealed that those 2 were the only tickets left there, and the Auditor was insistent that he did.

We then decided, screw this, we're going in without a ticket!

A call to the Auditor to find out which movie hall it was in (Hall 14), we stormed through the doors, and bright lights greeted our eyes. Bright yellow lights and a small problem of a blank screen with rows and rows of empty seats. Another frantic phone call resulted in the same insistence that Hall 14 was the right place, and the Auditor decided to send the Bald Monk out to bring us into the movie. Sounds logical. Thus, me and the Banker waiting at the foyer for the Bald Monk to put an end to this confusion. And in a few minutes, boy was i wrong.

*phone rings*

Bald Monk:
We you guys at?

Me:
Erm.. we're outside at the foyer waiting for you.

Bald Monk:
I AM at the foyer, and i see nobody. Literally an empty foyer.

Me:
Baldy, stop screwing around. We are standing right here. How on earth can you not see us? Hell, we're not even hiding!

Bald Monk:
But i don't see you guys! I ain't screwing around! ..
Wait..
Which cinema/mall are you guys at?

Me:
Tropicana Mall cinema, of course.

Bald Monk:
(and the last sound you want to hear from that reply)
Oh... *trails off*
..
..
We're at Summit Mall cinema.

Naturally the reply to that revelation is far too explicit and vulgar to be re-typed, so we'll just skip ahead to rushing-out-from-one-mall-and-driving-through-horrible-traffic-to-the-other-mall where we finally got the right tickets and watched the right movie at the right cinema.

One hour-ish after the movie started.

We never found out who Ben & Ashley really was. But we're sorry we took your tickets to a bad movie.

The Auditor is still an ass.

-end-

Baa #5

Uncle Bob:
Guys, do any of you know how to extract photos from iPhone?
I can't seem to do it through iTunes.

Bald Monk:
Oh. That's easy Bob.
All you gotta do is open up the photos on your phone, then use a digital camera to snap the photos from your phone.
Then you can get the photos from your camera!

-end-

Baa #4

*overheard at a drinking session*

Julian:
You know, unlike HD movies, regular VCD quality movies does not allow you to see stuff in detail. For example, I couldn't see Edward sparkle in "Twilight" on VCD.

Others:
*stoned silence*
More importantly, why are you watching "Twilight" to begin with?

Julian:
*in a cool, composed tone*
You see, on a quiet Tuesday night, and i'm feeling lonely, i'll just pop in the "Twilight" movie and entertain myself.

Others:
You fap to "Twilight"?!

-end-

Baa #3

*in an all too possible future*

Grandchild Pekkie:
Grandpa Pekkie, Grandpa Pekkie, how did you get that scar on your arm?

Pekkie:
Ah. This scar? Grandpa got this scar back in the days when he was younger.
One day, these scary men from the Western Sea attacked us.
However, they were no match for Chinese Kung Fu, so these devious Western Men used their dirty tactics, the Molten Cheese Attack.
The Molten Cheese swamped us all, leaving countless brave men dead. Even my comrades were not spared the horror.
By summoning great strength, I carried as many fallen comrades i could off the battlefield:
3 over my shoulders and 1 with my other hand. Unfortunately, that left me vulnerable to attack.
The Western Sea men took that chance, and ambushed me with a surprise Cheese attack.
I dodged most of it, but a single scalding drop caught me on the arm, leaving behind this scar.

That, my dear, is how Grandpa got this scar.

- as retold by The Auditor.

-end-

Baa #2

Remember the times when you were young, and your parents would nag you for spending too many hours watching the idiot box?
They would nag you to get off it cause too much telly would spoil your eyes, make you lazy, turn your brain to mush etc etc.
But our good friend, the Bald Monk, has the REAL reason why we can't watch too much.

Bald Monk:
Guys, do you know why you can't watch telly for hours to end?
This for example. *points to long distance marathon show*
If you keep watching the telly, how are the athletes going to rest?
How are they going to eat, sleep or even go to the bathroom?
They have to keep performing because you are watching!
If you don't turn the telly off, how can these poor souls catch a break?
Thus, if you watch telly for long hours, these people might actually die from exhaustion!
Who will perform shows for us if these people in shows die because you watch too much and too long!

-end-

Baa #1

One night when we were chillin at Uncle Bob's place, when his attempts to turn on the air-conditioner fails. When further persuasion fails, it drew out this gem of advice:

Bald Monk:
Bob, how long have you you had this air conditioner?

Bob:
Probably 10 or so odd years, why?

Bald Monk:
Ah. And there lies your problem!
When was the last time you blew air into the air conditioner?

Bob:
Wait.. what?

Bald Monk:

Bob.
For the past 10 years, the air cond has been diligently spewing cold air.
And yet, for the 10 years, you have not see to it that the air cond gets air blown into it.
The air cond is now not working simply because it ran out of the supply of air it initially came with due to your negligence.
To fix it, all you have to do is stick a tube/pipe into the air cond and blow air into it.
If you want to use the device for another 2 years, blow another 2 years worth of air into it!
It's really that simple!

-end-